dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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