i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
