He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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