were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
