is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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