i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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