My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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