There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
