Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
