Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
