dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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