Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
