And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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