i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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