I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
