People with herpes should wear stickers.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
