3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
