Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
