Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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