the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
