What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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