I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
