I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Damn victory sex feels great
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
