your thong is hanging out like whoa
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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