I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
