Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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