Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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