fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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