I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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