I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
