dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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