dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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