Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
