You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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