Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just found a bag of teeth...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
