i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
