if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
