I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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