Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
