I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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