Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
