recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
