Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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