I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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