The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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