Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
