he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
