So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
