Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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