my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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