i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
