Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
