Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
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