Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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