i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The uberlube is also flammable
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I got inside last night via doggy door
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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