Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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